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ARROGANT ARAGORN ADMINISTRATION LOSES TRACK OF RULING RING?
Officials with the United Elves warned the Aragorn Administration more than a year ago that evil super-being Sauron the Great was, in their words, "bending his entire will and strength and that of his countless minions" towards finding and recovering the Ruling Ring of Power.
But a joint investigation by the New York Times and CBS News has found that the Administration failed to take the simple steps recommended by international experts in elven rings, steps that could have kept the One Ring safe while negotiations with the Dark Lord over the return of UE ring-inspectors might have borne fruit, sooner or later, some time in the Third Age.
Additionally, the Times has learned that in March or possibly April the Administration assigned the crucial duty of guarding the One Ring to a single inexperienced 9-man platoon, which may have then actually lost the Ring after two of its poorly-equipped and poorly-trained members launched a "go-it-alone" expedition into Shadow, and then dropped the Ring into the Cracks of Doom, apparently with the incredibly naive thought that they could thereby put a permanent end to the Dark Lord.
Right-wing bloggers have tried to downplay the significance of the Administration's inability to account for the present whereabouts of the Ring, claiming it may simply have been destroyed. Some have cited the apparent absence of any recent sightings of the nine Nazgul, and the reported slaughter of uncounted numberes of orcs at the hands of the Captains of the West, as evidence that the so-called 'War Against The Shadow' is really being 'won.'
Other experts reached by the Times disagree.
"Trying to destroy the One Ring is just one more example of this Administration's arrogant insensitive approach to foreign policy," said Grima Wormtongue, former antiterrorism expert for the Theoden Administration. "It goes right along with their willingness to squander the good will we formally enjoyed, in Isengard and a lot of other places I could name, during the years we hewed to a sensible policy of nuanced accomodation to the legitimate needs of evil."
Saruman the White, Professor of Middle Earth studies and member of the nonpartisan White Council, says the lifting of Shadow and disappearance of fear was unlikely to last. "Sure, no one's seen a Black Rider or slavering mail-clad orc recently. But what kind of uneducated moron do you have to be to think that will last? This Administration has done nothing to address the root causes of Darkness, which are, of course, to be found in the temporary and fickle nature of Light."
Denethor son of Echthelion, Steward of Gondor, agrees, and also adds: "What can you expect from an illegitimately chosen King? I served my country as a young man on the front lines of our doomed battle for Minas Ithil and Osgiliath, so I know what battle against the forces of Darkness is really like.
"Where was that Strider fella while I was shedding my precious blood for the rabble? He says he was serving honorably with the Rangers of the North, but he can't -- or won't -- account for certain missing Ranger camp doxy receipts from Saint Swithins' Day eve 76 years ago last March. Some have said he went AWOL and spent the whole time knocking back cheap dwarven beer and ogling wenches in Bree common rooms, but I don't want to stoop to that kind of partisan hackery.
"Suffice it to say, if you want true leadership that knows the heart of the Black Lord and has a plan to deal with it, a plan which I will reveal shortly after being unconditionally confirmed in the kingship, then consider the White Steward of Gondor will. . uh. . .excuse me, I have to take a call on the palantir. . ."
Meanwhile, public opinion on the Aragon Administration remains sharply divided. In recent polling an overwhelming 52% majority of ents, elves, dwarves, hobbits and men said Middle Earth was on the wrong or slightly-wrong or maybe-right track. Support for the embattled King had fallen to a razor-thin margin of 52%, after weighting the results to reflect the fact that everyone knows he's a complete bastard.
Officials with the United Elves warned the Aragorn Administration more than a year ago that evil super-being Sauron the Great was, in their words, "bending his entire will and strength and that of his countless minions" towards finding and recovering the Ruling Ring of Power.
But a joint investigation by the New York Times and CBS News has found that the Administration failed to take the simple steps recommended by international experts in elven rings, steps that could have kept the One Ring safe while negotiations with the Dark Lord over the return of UE ring-inspectors might have borne fruit, sooner or later, some time in the Third Age.
Additionally, the Times has learned that in March or possibly April the Administration assigned the crucial duty of guarding the One Ring to a single inexperienced 9-man platoon, which may have then actually lost the Ring after two of its poorly-equipped and poorly-trained members launched a "go-it-alone" expedition into Shadow, and then dropped the Ring into the Cracks of Doom, apparently with the incredibly naive thought that they could thereby put a permanent end to the Dark Lord.
Right-wing bloggers have tried to downplay the significance of the Administration's inability to account for the present whereabouts of the Ring, claiming it may simply have been destroyed. Some have cited the apparent absence of any recent sightings of the nine Nazgul, and the reported slaughter of uncounted numberes of orcs at the hands of the Captains of the West, as evidence that the so-called 'War Against The Shadow' is really being 'won.'
Other experts reached by the Times disagree.
"Trying to destroy the One Ring is just one more example of this Administration's arrogant insensitive approach to foreign policy," said Grima Wormtongue, former antiterrorism expert for the Theoden Administration. "It goes right along with their willingness to squander the good will we formally enjoyed, in Isengard and a lot of other places I could name, during the years we hewed to a sensible policy of nuanced accomodation to the legitimate needs of evil."
Saruman the White, Professor of Middle Earth studies and member of the nonpartisan White Council, says the lifting of Shadow and disappearance of fear was unlikely to last. "Sure, no one's seen a Black Rider or slavering mail-clad orc recently. But what kind of uneducated moron do you have to be to think that will last? This Administration has done nothing to address the root causes of Darkness, which are, of course, to be found in the temporary and fickle nature of Light."
Denethor son of Echthelion, Steward of Gondor, agrees, and also adds: "What can you expect from an illegitimately chosen King? I served my country as a young man on the front lines of our doomed battle for Minas Ithil and Osgiliath, so I know what battle against the forces of Darkness is really like.
"Where was that Strider fella while I was shedding my precious blood for the rabble? He says he was serving honorably with the Rangers of the North, but he can't -- or won't -- account for certain missing Ranger camp doxy receipts from Saint Swithins' Day eve 76 years ago last March. Some have said he went AWOL and spent the whole time knocking back cheap dwarven beer and ogling wenches in Bree common rooms, but I don't want to stoop to that kind of partisan hackery.
"Suffice it to say, if you want true leadership that knows the heart of the Black Lord and has a plan to deal with it, a plan which I will reveal shortly after being unconditionally confirmed in the kingship, then consider the White Steward of Gondor will. . uh. . .excuse me, I have to take a call on the palantir. . ."
Meanwhile, public opinion on the Aragon Administration remains sharply divided. In recent polling an overwhelming 52% majority of ents, elves, dwarves, hobbits and men said Middle Earth was on the wrong or slightly-wrong or maybe-right track. Support for the embattled King had fallen to a razor-thin margin of 52%, after weighting the results to reflect the fact that everyone knows he's a complete bastard.
posted by Quadraginta at 7:10 PM
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